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 Do you ever feel like you sell out to being practical?  The teacher I worked with before I left for England texted me and let me know the county was going to allow her to get another parapro (which is what I was) and would I like the job. I said yes and have been feeling like a bit of a sell-out ever since. I went to the interview today, which was a formality and basically starting this Monday I'll be back at the school. On one hand it is income and insurance and I feel better about being a productive member of society and not just freeloading off my mom, but the other hand says I'm taking the easy road and a slippery slope back into routine and not the direction I wanted to go in. I'm worried that it will compromise my ability to get a job I want, of course the job market for film is an up and down one at best. I do not think my soul could bear taking a retail job again, especially not near the holiday season, I'm not missing important moments with my family, we have so few of them as it is in life. I don't really expect you to have answers for me I just want to say what I'm feeling, maybe it'll help in some way to keep me to my goals, I've changed a lot in this last year. I’ve  grown stronger I hope and more determined but I know my weaknesses, I'm like a cat when it comes to routine I don't always adapt well to change once I get settled. :)

Help me not to settle remind me of what I want to do, even though it’s scary and even though I often think I’m not good enough.  Push me please, I don’t want to give up on what I want, but I know I’ll need reminders. I am continuing to send out my CV and try for internships, but I worry that I'll stop, or silliest of all I'm worried I'll succeed.


ooo two posts in one year

KB powerful
Hello LJ

The summer has been going fast and soon my time here in England will be over (for a time). I am in two minds about returning home, it will be nice to see the people and places I haven't seen in the last year, mostly my cats and my Con friends, but not having a job lined up straight away is causing me concern as is my mom's determination that everything will be going back to the way it was when I left. I feel my independence slipping away each time I look at the approaching date. I have tried to remind her gently that yes I will be coming back home for a bit but the possibility of me leaving to  find work and even just my own space is real ( I hope it is anyway, I know it will be tempting to fall back into the security of routine something that I have forced out of myself in this last year.)  I know she is finding that hard to accept and is is trying not cling on but she is anyway.  Every night I've been here, unless I've been in London or elsewhere she has called me, sometimes it's nice and she has things to tell me but  because it is so often we talk there is never anything to really talk about. I had hoped this year of being apart would give her a chance to get into new routines and organize a life not revolving around us doing everything together, but I think it's just revolved around her doing more shopping.

I already feel split in two, my life there and my life here in England. I've made some good friends, forced myself to explore and do things and  enjoy life rather then watching it go by hoping someone might include me, I've learned to make myself included. I have  learned to "Let it Go", and I can even let go of England, but "home" will never just be one place anymore.

I'll be returning on September 4th just a week after turning in my final project. My project is going well, I've built a mock up of my set and will start on building the real model when I return from London this week. I love London, I feel at home there, it is a place that makes me happy and I will miss it very much. I suspect this trip will be my last during this stay .

Other life thins I should mention, I have gotten work experience,  and so I now feel much better prepared for going out into the working world. I also got to meet my hero John Finnemore. He is a lovely man and it was nice to meet him even if my ability to speak was hampered because I couldn't believe I got to shake his hand.  There has been so much I have gotten to do on this trip, from West End plays to Directing my first film, to getting to look at original scripts in the BFI archives (That happens this week actually :)) No matter what happens after this trip I will live my life happy that I got to do so many of the things I have been dreaming about doing all my life.

hello world

KB powerful
It's been well over a year since I've posted anything on Livejournal, and except for a few communities on here I really don't visit it any more. I find myself needing a place where most of the people in my daily life don't have access to so that I can write about things a bit more freely.. like my annoying flat mate.... but anyway I don't have any huge gripes right now I just felt the need to write somehing other then what i should be writing ;)

 I suppose a few updates are in order now that's it's been over a year. The biggest one is that I am writing this from my flat in Manchester ENGLAND. Yup I made it. Its been hard and exhausting fun, but it's the best thing that could have happened to me. I'm working on my Master's degree in Children's Digital Media at Salford University. I'm currently directing my first short film as part of a collaborative project for school, and doing a few other projects as well. I've made some great friends that I hope will be future co-workers. It's till up in the air if I will get a job and be able to stay here, but at least I feel like I'm moving towards living my life the way I would like to. It was extremely hard to have to let go of families places and friends in the name of moving on, but I know that I had to, other wise I would still be doing the same thing hoping that they would get better.

I'm still struggling with huge amounts of self doubt but contently trying to beat it back and jump into things that scare me.Like directing, my first rehearsal was disaster but but my second one went well, I'm proud of myself for fixing the problem and carrying on. I'm having issues again with controlling my weight, but again trying to get back into good habits, it's a hard habit to break over eating and eating sweets, particularly when you want to try everything!  But I'll get there in the end.  Mom's coming to visit in April and I'd like to lose some weight before then for our trip to Paris!

I am loving my time here and I do hope that I may be able to stay, although I miss my cats like crazy. Who knows what the future holds?

Merry Christmas to all

Me Amy pond
 Greetings and Merry Christmas, it's been one hell of a year and God knows I don't ever want to do it over again!

I've been horrible about updating LJ and I have mostly abandoned it in favor of not doing much blogging at all. I felt the need to type tonight and communicate with some of you so I shall. I had to look back and see what all I had posted about the last year and how much I need to catch you up on.  Much of the  news was Flocked  so the long and the short of it :That my Father, Step-father and Grandmother all passed away this year, I got a full time real job, and... mostly this year has been a struggle to keep spirits up.   All of the deaths this year where unexpected and very painful, I did not get to have any goodbyes and with my Step-father there where many hurt feelings that can never be resolved. Because of the hurt  it took my mother a long time to come back to herself (understandably) and it meant I had to really keep it together when I really wanted to fall apart.  But it was not all doom and gloom I'm employed full time as a Special Ed Parapro  so I've gotten to leave the retail life behind. It's not an easy job but it's allowed me many more freedoms then I've have in the past. There was one point in the summer that it looked as though my position might have been cut but it ended up working in my favor and the short version is that I got to keep the job.

I am actively applying to Graduate School in the UK, I plan to go come hell or high waters this coming Sept (2013). I've got most of the application in I need to do the little essays they ask for the the application (which I plan on getting done this Friday when I've got the house to myself ). I'm  going for my MA in Film and Tv Production.

Other nice things that happend this year were going to Dragon*Con with my Mom, she came as a card carrying member and even cosplayed the whole weekend.  Although I have to admit that except for hanging out with my convention friends I didn't enjoy  Dragon*Con as much as I have in the past and because I'm wanting to do the grad School thing I decided to not buy a pass for next year. I will be going to 221b con and Timegate though.  

  Mom and I had  very nice holidays this year For Christmas we did a very low key Charlie Brown (although I wasn't feeling well for most of it) and Thanksgiving we enjoyed just getting to be off for the whole holiday,although I did go out and do some Black Friday Shopping for Mom while she was at work. Today (Christmas) has been very nice, we actually made ourselves relax and enjoy ourselves. I got a lot of nice things from Mom, including a new camera and yarn swift. Mom's going to help with plane tickets to England when the time comes. :)

New years is going to be low key since Mom's got to work New year's Eve and I return to work on the 2nd.  My biggest resolution for the New year is once again  weight, I was doing very good and keeping it off, but the stress the year has made it harder. I'm ok with that though, sometimes you've got to do what you can to keep going, but I'm going to be working extra hard to get back to were I was and below  before I get to grad school. My other resolution  is to  do the best I can to get into the school I want to go to, If the school turns me down that's fine just as long as I do everything I can to get there. I'll try and keep LJ posted on my school info, but I don't know if it's going to happen, I've been trying to keep a travel blog of the process of applying but right now I'm still at the beginning with that.   

I hope everyone had a Happy Holiday and I hope next year is better then this one.

More costume stuff

me jam
  So revised  costume list for Dragon*Con (with do-able ideas)

*John Watson season one and Christmas jumper (I've got the yarn for this, but I haven't cast on yet, I'm making myself finish my other project)

*Katniss Everdeen from the Hunger Games (Arena costume)

*Capt. Martin Crieff

 more then this is  likely to happen, but these are the most likely to happen.

Vote for Me!

me jam
Wooo I'm a finalist in the BBC America Costume Contest, I'll love you forever if you vote for me I'm this one

vote here:

Questions for my fellow costuming peeps

me jam
 I found this  flannel shirt on Ebay.  I was thinking it might do better then the other one I bought Amy, If I get it a bit big I can tailor it to be more of women's fit. what do you think?  
Picture of Amy's shirt for comparesonCollapse )

 My other question is about the Harry Potter film. I'm going to the midnight showing (of course) and in costume. I had thought about  changing things up and going as Harry rather then Snape as I have done for the past 7 films, mostly because my hair is perfect Harry length and I don't have a wig for Snape (I've used my own hair almost every time for Snape)  I don't know if I ever posted pictures of the Snape jacket I made,it was a fast sewing job with cheap self cover buttons but it looked great for line sitting. What do you guys think?

This is from the last film, I had come from work so I didn't grease my hair  but it was fun. I was trying to finish it in time to wear  to School (I was in one classrroom for about three weeks and it was during Halloween) but I didn't manage to finish all of the hemming and buttons. i went instead as a student Slytherin (which the kids dressed as Harry Potter LOVED)       

It seems like I had something else to ask but I can't remember now... If I think of it I'll be back ;)


me jam
  Hey everyone, thanks for all of your sweet comments! They really made my day and made me feel less nervous.

I ended up having to wait until today to get  the teeth out, my dentist was out sick yesterday. It went well expect for when I passed out :)   My cat was really cute though, when I  got home  and my mom got me to the sofa so I could get over my little faint   Bernie went all protective on me  and kept putting his paw on my arm and staying right by me. It was super cute, he's still following me around like I'll fall over again. I'm still getting a little dizzy when I stand up for too long, but other then that it's not been bad. I'll have to do this all over again in July, but at least it'll be done. 

 On the up side though guilt free reason to have a milkshake (made with birthday cake ice cream :)) and watch Top Gear on  Netflix streaming. :)